This may not be up for very long.

[qcontinuum]

I may well come to my senses and delete it later. I've already blocked it out so no one from the Continuum can read it (of course, anyone more experienced than amanda_the_q could break that block, but they won't be interested enough to bother since they don't know I am essentially being hysterical). Why I want to broadcast my troubles to any number of random mortals I don't know. Except that mortals, having that whole, you know, mortality thing going, reproduce all the time. So it's much more likely they've have some clue or at the least some ability to sympathize. Trying to get sympathy out of the Q Continuum is like trying to get matter out of a black hole. Without going via subspace or any other universe.



I am going to screw this up. I know it. Kathy said that all parents are convinced they're going to screw up, which strikes me as fairly astonishing-- how do mortals continue to exist if you're all so lacking in confidence about your ability to reproduce properly?-- but while I took comfort in that for about 30 seconds, I quickly realized that the difference is mortal parents *think* they're going to screw up. I, however, know it. Because how could I not? Mortal parents have role models to follow. They have had parents of their own, they know people of their species who have kids, they remember what it was like to be a kid, they can look around them and *see* children of their species. I can't. I'm first. And first things are prototypes and they always get screwed up. The things I do wrong are supposed to blaze a trail for those that come after me to do things right.

But this is a Q. Not a project. Anything I do to screw him up lasts forever, and I won't be able to fix it after the fact.

why why why why did I ever think I was fit to be a parent? No, I didn't think. That was why. I didn't know, I didn't think out the implications, I just wanted to do something that had never been done before to prove that change could be beneficial to the Continuum. The Party of Order (which wasn't called that then, they were just the folks in charge) were so terrified that change meant death and Q killing himself DID NOT HELP AT ALL and his whole argument that we needed to die for the Continuum to grow just scared the living daylights out of most of us, including me, and I had to find a way for change to mean something good so I picked having kids. Because it's the opposite of dying. We couldn't stagnate if we produced children, right? Right?

I am so screwed. Why didn't anyone TELL me you can't have kids as a political statement? Kathy, you should have known, why didn't you warn me what an idiot I was being? Okay, I'll be fair, you tried. I didn't listen because I never listen because I always know everything until I put my foot in it and then I didn't know everything after all, did I. And I didn't know. Well, I couldn't have known. But I should have *thought*!

...I love him, and I want everything to be perfect for him, and I'm not any *good* at this, I don't think my *species* is cut out for this but *especially* not me, it'd be different if I, you know, had an ounce of nurture and compassion in my personality but my idea of compassion is to terrorize people into fleeing their planet into deep space because they're too stupid to realize a supernova is coming and if I said it nicely they just wouldn't do anything about it, which you should not do with kids, although I do it, and it's wrong and I know that but I don't know what's *right* to do, and I probably shouldn't be ignoring the half a million little things he does wrong that I told him not to do and then blow up on the half a million and one, or tell him I'm going to throw him in a black hole if he does it again and then he does it again and I don't throw him in a black hole, and maybe I shouldn't *be* throwing him in a black hole either, and I don't *know*! Q's right, I'm wrecking this kid, but she's no goddamn help, what kind of an answer is it to run away? At least I'll look back and know I didn't run away. Although maybe I should. Maybe he'd be better off if I abandoned him, because the only Q who'd take him in would be one with some modicum of compassion and maybe be better at this than I am except I *know*, exactly, what he felt when his mother left him and I can't *do* that to him even if it was for his own good and maybe it's not. I just don't know. I'm an idiot. I'm totally lost. This isn't what my species does.

I'm sorry, son. I'm going to ruin everything. I don't want to screw you up but I will. I shouldn't have had you when I should have known I'd suck at being a father. I'm sorry.

Comments

Don't berate yourself so much, Q

[timenchanter.livejournal.com]

Many parents learn on their own...either because they don't know their parents, have lost their parents, or are unwilling to utilize the methods that their parents used. I'm sure you are doing fine. I am not an expert on parenthood, but in seeing what Beverly has gone through, I'm sure that these things you are feeling are normal.

As to your lack of experience, if you really want to know what it's like to both be a child and a parent, do it. Are you omnipotent or not? I had the dubious pleasure of inheriting the memories of a man once and let me tell you, there are things that I learned that stay with me even today. You can do better. You can LIVE these lives. And you can do it so fast that little Q won't even know that you're gone. That's my suggestion. If you want to know what it's like to be a parent. Go be one somewhere where it might just be a little easier (though I'll wager you'll be surprised!). -- Jean-Luc

[ltbarclay.livejournal.com]

I-If anyone knows what it feels like to be convinced you are going to screw up, its me. I admit, I'm not the bravest human. I'm not good at these-these people things, though I gather my failings in this department are different then yours. Even now, I am sure that drawing your attention to me is a big mistake.

But I want you to know that you are not alone. Maybe it would help for you to know that you aren't the only one convinced of failure. I've been transfered to a new assignment and its not going well. I don't really think it will for me. This isn't as big as parenthood of a Q-I admit-but still...

Counselor Troi is very helpful. She's helped me, perhaps she could help you. I find it helps just to talk to someone sometimes.

Reg Barclay

I know you don't need to breathe...

[kathrynjaneway.livejournal.com]

but take a deep breath anyway, Q.

how do mortals continue to exist if you're all so lacking in confidence about your ability to reproduce properly?

A 20th century Human general by the name of Omar Bradley once said, "Bravery is the capacity to perform properly, even when scared half to death." In other words, do not allow fear to paralyze you. If we simply stopped and retreated at the first sign of doubt, Humans--and most other species--would never have gotten anywhere. It doesn't matter *why* you decided to have a child--the important thing is he's here and he is your responsibility. I don't know why this is alarming you as much as it is.

True, there are no guarantees--we can only try to do the best we can with the hand we're dealt. Even for omnipotent beings, there are no guarantees that you are going to be successful *or* screw up. I don't care what Q told you--you are not predestined to be a failure at parenthood. (Seems to me like she's even more frightened than you are--at least you had the guts to stay and make a go of it, to shoulder your responsibility. *You* didn't run away). Success and failure can't be measured in tangible ways--there are days in which things seem to be going smoothly, others that you wish you could simply take back and try again. Raising a child isn't a one time deal, it's a work in progress that lasts a lifetime. And it is an experience that profoundly affects all of the parties involved.

You say the Q have never done this before--but they have. amanda_the_q may have been conceived and lived the first part of her life as a Human, but she's had some growing up to do as well, and I'm sure she can tell you an awful lot about her experiences. Even Humans, though, don't try to do it all by themselves. I gather you have left your son with Amanda in the meantime, while you're off getting some much-needed time for yourself. This is a good thing. But don't stop there--when you come back, talk to Amanda, see what she has to offer you. You have your own experiences to draw on as well. I'm unclear about what state or form, what level of maturity you had when you first came into existence, but surely you had a mentor, someone who helped 'show you the ropes'?

And I really don't see why you're convinced you're a failure. Granted I've never met your son, but apparently he's happy, he looks up to you with love and perfect trust. Sounds like you're on the right track to me.

I am not giving you advice...

[wes-crusher.livejournal.com]

Really. I'm not.

But maybe you should talk to some real parents, espically single ones. I'm sure that if you approached her right, my Mom would sit down and talk with you. She had to do the single working parent with kid too smart for his own good thing for a long time.

Well, maybe if I warned her first. And wrote. And sent flowers.

Don't worry too much, Q.

[drcrusher.livejournal.com]

Believe me, being a parent will always be difficult. There will always be times of doubt in your own skill to raise your child to be what you think is right. Times when you worry about them, whether they're happy, whether they can take care of themselves..

But you have to realize that children need to find their own way, as well. For you, things are undoubtedly much harder than they were for me, since he is the only Q child around, and you are breaking new ground. But don't forget that you love him. And I suggest you try teaching him, in the for humans traditional way perhaps - 'homeschooling'. Start by teaching him what you think he needs to learn, and try to get other Continuum members to do the same.

Oh, and Q? Don't give up just because he drives you crazy. Eventually, he'll grow up.

I may be repeating myself.

[qcontinuum.livejournal.com]

I think I told you this already, but I like to hear myself talk. Or read myself talk as the case may be.

It's a good idea, and I'll probably do it or something like it, but I don't know if that will be enough. Most species iron out the kinks in their reproductive strategy or they die out. We seem to have social instincts that aren't compatible with the needs of our children, and it's never come up as a problem before because no one's ever had one before. (Well, not within the Continuum. And outside the Continuum you have to work with that species' defaults.) We don't have any difficulty with the reproductive instinct; despite the fact that we don't need to reproduce, assorted Q have wanted to for a very long time (which is where people like Amanda come from). It's the things you need to do to *raise* a child that are hard. And I just don't want my kid to have to suffer for being a prototype. I mean, we'll all figure it out eventually, but eventually might be too late for him.

I dunno. Talking to you and Data helped. I'm still not certain I can do this but at least I'm not panicking about it anymore.

Okay. Imaginary deep breath taken.

[qcontinuum.livejournal.com]

If you want the truth, the reason this alarms me so much isn't so much that anything new has happened as that I have periodically had these kind of overwhelming doubts, only in the past I've literally had absolutely no one to talk to about them, since I couldn't very well talk in front of the kid, couldn't get a babysitter, and other Q are not the kind of people you talk to if you're wigging out. I may have mentioned we think this whole compassion for the weak thing is seriously weird and our idea of helping people generally boils down to either tormenting them so they stop doing the stupid thing that's getting them in trouble or mocking them so they stop doing the stupid thing that's getting them in trouble. When what's getting you in trouble is not, in fact, stupid, and you *know* no one has any better clue of what to do than you do, it's not a particularly good idea to open yourself up to that. So you guys get to make up for the social inadequacies of the Q Continuum. Doesn't that just thrill you? *grin*

It is true that amanda_the_q joined the Continuum as a teenager, and that others have joined as teens or adults, and they go through a growing process where they adapt to being Q. It's also true that I have... mmm, shall we say, received much aid and guidance from more mature mentor figures (whether such guidance was desired is beside the point.) But one thing everyone who has previously ever been a Q has had in common is that they are fully formed. They adapt, they change, they mature, but they already have everything they need to be a successful Q, they just don't know how to use it right away.

q hasn't *got* that. There are things he just can't do no matter how much I taunt him about it and I eventually got the idea that it does not work to push a child to develop new skills by taunting them for not having them, because they *can't* go "I'll show him!" and find the skill within themselves. They haven't yet developed the ability to have that skill. It's just not *there* yet. Which means our entire methodology for pushing people into growing the hell up is screwed in his case.

And I don't know if he's overall happy. He's happy sometimes and he's miserable sometimes and he's *needy* in a way *none* of us have ever been needy and he's incredibly insecure and he pushes his limits all the time and he *doesn't* do what I tell him to do more than half the time. And if he were human he'd be hyperactive.

But, well, you have a point. I got myself into this, getting out of it is not an option any more, so I'll have to figure something out, won't I?

I am teaching him. Who else would do it?

[qcontinuum.livejournal.com]

We don't have schools, lacking any other children. So yes, I'm teaching him. Which is very odd. As far back as I can remember I knew more than he does, and even teaching Amanda (which someone else took over once I got her to the Continuum anyway) wasn't as challenging as this. You see, he knows everything, because he's a Q. But he doesn't know what he knows, he hasn't thought about what he knows, he doesn't know how to *analyze* what he knows, and he doesn't know how to search through what he knows for the particular fact he needs right now. Which means I'm less teaching him information than teaching him how to *think* about information, and also, how to look it up.

I must confess I didn't expect to get any advice, or any modicum of compassion, from *you*, Doctor. I may have to rethink my opinion of you. Perhaps there actually is a good reason both Jean-Luc and Amanda think highly of you.

Re: I am teaching him. Who else would do it?

[drcrusher.livejournal.com]

Q, when you behave responsibly, I'll always give you advice. When you take me seriously, I must admit I don't mind you too much. Besides, I owe you for 'telling' Jean-Luc about the life we would have had together, and the Irumodic syndrome.

I think that what's important that you teach him is that he learns about moral rights, values, beliefs. About when he should or should not interfere, those kind of things. You evolved, as a species, I mean. For you the power came with time and experience. He has the power, but as yet hasn't had much time to learn how to deal with it. Help him with that. It must be hard, and confusing - to be so wise, or at least know that you will be wise, to be able to do so much - take the incident with Vash, for example - but still not be an adult, not to have the control he seeks for. I think he has to learn how to be Q. And I have this suspicion it might be easier for a human to 'become' human, than for a baby-q to become a Q.

Re: Okay. Imaginary deep breath taken.

[kathrynjaneway.livejournal.com]

Glad to see you're 'back on track', Q.

No, as you've already discovered, it's not a good idea to taunt or push children past their limits or capabilities. Just like lesser species, they require patience and encouragement--which often results in a much better outcome for all concerned. You have to make allowances for the fact that there are simply some things your son cannot do yet--and at the same time help him begin to develop those skills. Children also learn by example. You are his role model, the one he's going to pattern himself after. A lot to live up to, but I'm confident you will be able to handle it.